© Noel Rands 2022

The one advert I repeated was for Fisherman’s Friend. The first one was just me, hanging around for ever, and filmed with me half asleep at 3am. The second time was different. I was told I was playing “Mr. Bean” and my hair would be sprayed black. I had to sit on a park bench with a lady and pretend to nibble the plastic fruit on her hat in the character of Mr. Bean. No problem; made for the part. They had booked me for several hours but in fact it went very well and suddenly I was released and on my way home in my red “Vaman the Carman” van. My mobile went. It was Lancy, the American casting Director for “the Chinese Box”. This film, about Hong Kong at the time of the handover in 1997 and with the main character dying of TB, was directed by Wayne Wang who had achieved success with “Smoke” which featured Harvey Keitel. “Hi, Noel. Have you finished with your advert? Wayne wants you on the set. Have you got a Tuxedo” I said I did have a dinner jacket and would that do? It would. The filming was taking place in the top floor of “The China Club”, terribly exclusive and which was in the old Bank of China building (which had been replaced by the futuristic I M Pei building).
I told her I needed to get home, wash the black out of my hair and change. Speed was of the essence as it was after lunchtime. The star was Jeremy Irons and one of the nicest men you could work with. I had done one scene with him already. That action had taken place in Hong Kong at the time of the handover in 1997 and he was the journalist who was dying. We had shot a scene in Petticoat Lane (an area of small bars which has now disappeared but at the time was very fashionable) a few days before and I thought That was That. To be summoned back by the Director was very flattering; I couldn’t have been that bad. I rushed home, showered and changed and reported to the China Club. Mr Irons was again very welcoming but hugely surprised was Emma Griffiths, with whom I had had an unfortunate experience in “Blithe Spirit” some months before. “Noel! What are you doing here? I’ve been rehearsing this scene with someone else all morning!” Even more flattering. One of the other actors was Jude Poyer, now a highly successful stunt man and who I liked very much. He and I had been in “Knock Off”, with Jean-Claude Van Damme some months before. Jude told me that Mr Van Damme seemed rather fond of a white powder which he sniffed from time to time.
That film had as a co-star the odious Rob Schneider who, in fairness, did introduce me. “Hi, J-C; This is Noel!” “J-C” gave me a smile and we shook hands. I gushed that No 3 niece was envious that I was meeting him. Another smile. I had to shoot my scene twice in two different locations on two different days; I was the Race Master. Although I am listed as appearing in the film, I suspect I finished up on the cutting room floor. Mr Schneider had been throwing his weight about and eventually (he had been filming scene for ages) I remarked to him, “Mr. Schneider. I have been watching you film and I think you are very impressive. Have you thought of doing this professionally?” He stared and then laughed aloud. Maybe my humour resulted on my being on the cutting room floor. I have never watched any film I have been in, by the way. I glimpsed me in a film taken of a stage performance and was so horrified I shuddered.. I have seen “Bodyguards to the Last Governor” as I had to attend the Premiere but that is about it.
Jude asked where I had been, and I mentioned filming the advert. He told me that his mother’s latest boyfriend was a barrister. In one particular case he was defending a paedophile. Horrible as it was, the case had taken time over a few days and there was a relaxed atmosphere in the court. The defendant started coughing rather a lot and the Judge leaned forward and said to the barrister “Would your client like to suck on a Fishermen’s Friend? He declined and said “No thank you, M’Lud. I think he is in enough trouble already,!”
I had to walk down the stairs towards Mr Irons who was walking up, duck underneath the mobile movie camera held by the cinematographer, and then follow him up the stairs and introduce him to Emma further up the staircase. We did it twice and after the second time, Mr Irons squeezed my hand as if to say “You are doing OK. Don’t worry”. The 3rd time was fine. He spoke the lines extremely quietly but there was a big fluffy microphone over his head that picked up every word. I had other bits to do including calling for him from the top of the stairs and appearing in the ballroom for the Stoke of Midnight scene and the New Year celebrations. One memory is of him carrying up the stairs a giggling Gong Li, then a major female Chinese Star.
We finished and I said to Emma “How about a G and T in the Captain’s Bar in the Mandarin?” Well, she was in a long dress, I was in a D J and we looked the part. It felt right, sitting at the bar and nibbling the free peanuts, and Emma was cooing over Mr Irons. “Isn’t he wonderful? I would do anything for him. Anything!”
Three days later Lancy is on the phone again. Would I report to the Foreign Correspondents Club at 4am?. I am placed in a chair in the smoking room with Mr Irons outside, talking to the man (Rob McBride) who had rehearsed the scene with Emma on the staircase before I was recalled. Emma was sitting on a table behind me with a rather loud Australian journalist. I heard him say to her, “I remember my first F**k. Now, I must have been……..”. I thought “Emma, that’s the film world. One day Jeremy Irons, the next an extremely crude and vulgar Australian journalist”
After the film was released, I have had phone calls from the US and also Switzerland from friends who had seen it. That is surprising as it was a huge flop and disappeared quickly, despite the distinguished extras in the cast! Recently, No 1 niece and her husband bought the DVD and watched it. No comment was made on Uncle Noel’s performance. Well, at least Wayne Wang and Jeremy Irons were happy with me!
Ron McBride, by the way, was a playwright and wrote various plays for Hong Kong in which I acted. The last one he had written was with me in mind for one of the major parts. At the 1st rehearsal, one of the actresses said “We didn’t think we would get you. You are so famous” I preened. Thank goodness she can’t see me now; how the mighty have fallen.
I next saw Emma when she asked me to do the Voice Over for her “One Woman Show” at the Edinburgh Fringe. Later she became “Emma Lucia” and married the Royal Shakespeare Company Director Terry Hands, who died a few months ago. Her star gleams a little brighter than mine. But once………………..!

Noel Rands
Secretary
The British Egyptian Society
29.5.20

© Noel Rands 2022