© Noel Rands 2022
It is said that Helen of Troy had a face that launched a 1,000 ships. Well, my face was all over Hong Kong and India at one time but although I didn’t launch any ships, I did launch other things.
The most famous hotel in Hong Kong is the Peninsula, the Grand Old Lady, and I recommend thoroughly the afternoon tea in the ground floor dining room. While I was living in Hong Kong the owners, the Kadoorie family, decided to build an extension, in fact a tower. It was terribly grand. They wished to promote it and my agent told me to report to a high floor and before I knew it I was a business man in pyjamas in bed in a suite, clutching a very large Teddy Bear while I was pretending to be asleep. Now I don’t query what I am being asked to do providing I am being paid, and yet I am not sure what image the Peninsula was trying to create for visiting businessmen.
Next booking was to be photographed to appear in the hotel brochure promoting “Gaddi’s” the Peninsula’s main restaurant. It is terribly expensive but they do a midday special deal and so maybe I was the face to launch a 1,000 fixed price lunches. Oh, they thought my tie was too bright so I was given a rather bland one owned by one of the restaurant staff; more to the taste of the Teddy Bear hugging usual clientele, perhaps.
After the shoot, I was collected from the restaurant and driven to a hill site in Shatin. This is in the New Territories and the location of Hong Kong’s second race course. (The other site is in Happy Valley and the Royal Hong Kong Jockey Club – they dropped the “Royals;” quickly after the 1997 handover – decided to increase the course by two extra tracks; 8 instead of 6. This meant moving Sports Road further down, lifting 4 huge Banyan Trees and moving those as well, taking over part of the Hong Kong Football Club, pulling down their pavilion and building them a new one, and improving the Jockey Club’s own stadium. All this was paid for by 12 days racing! You would be amazed how much is gambled in Hong Kong and it meant they could gamble on 8 horses per race instead of 6). On one visit, I saw that the betting on each race was over £5M with £10M on the last race. This was before the extra two tracks.
Arriving in Shatin I discovered I was in a film with Jet Li, then a rising star of Golden Harvest Pictures. Despite the usual reluctance to provide a script, I found out I was doctor and handed a suit in a 1920’s fashion. The film was called “Fist of Legend” and frequently is on the television in the UK; Chinese with English subtitles. (“Uncle Noel! I saw you on television again last night!” from a nephew) Yet again my measurements hadn’t been taken but what I was given fitted. It seems that Jet Li’s mentor had died and been buried. He ordered the coffin to be dug up and opened and I had to kneel beside the coffin. I pretended to gag when it was opened and then Jet Li handed me a scalpel. I said to him “I am a doctor not a pathologist” and I can’t remember if I was told to say that or made it up. (Later I was in a film with Bruce Lee’s daughter, Shannon, dressed as an Arab Sheikh in robes, beard and dark glasses and one of the cast quoted the line to me! I was shot by the Canadian actor Michael Wong and the put explosives and blood capsules behind the white robe. I had to be taught how to die in Cantonese style! You bend forward, gasp, clutch your chest, fall back and die)
The ground was awful with stones and Jet, seeing my discomfort, brought me a couple of sandbags to kneel on. He was such a nice guy. Anyway, he took the scalpel and he cut out the liver from the corpse. Well, in fact the coffin was empty apart from a piece of lamb’s liver off which he cut a piece and handed to me. I put it into a glass bottle, shook it, and said “It’s toxic. I’m sure it was poisoned”. It took forever to film, up to 4am, before I was taken home. The next time I filmed with him was a police drama and we had to report to a shopping centre at midnight. He waved when he saw me; nice of him. All I had to do was sit around a table as the action went on and stay awake; Eric Tsang, one of the actors, kept on falling asleep and snored. You wonder how these films make money. No rehearsal, no script and spot the words line by line. Anyway, the locals like them so what do I know.
The next big one was “Bodyguards for the last Governor”. The film opens with me looking at the camera and doing up my tie. I am Chris Patten and am going out to dinner with my wife and daughter. We are welcomed at a smart restaurant and an elaborate meal set before us. The television announces that I am being replaced by a mixed-race Chinese cook from London so the meal is whipped away and replaced by something more humble. There is another scene where I am humiliated by the Chinese Chief Secretary and sent off in a taxi. The Chinese loved it and the DVD sold well. I was invited to the Premiere; and ignored. Such is fame. Some time later I was staying in Bangkok, put on the television in my room and there was the film, dubbed in Thai. Unfortunately, it was halfway through, so I never saw how I sounded speaking Thai. I did one more film with Jackie Chan, again playing the Governor. I had to report to Fanling Golf Course at midnight and waited in my car for ages. Then makeup and sitting in the back of a large black Daimler with the Union Jack flying from the bonnet. After an age, two fake policemen climbed in with me and we drove to a dual carriageway and pulled in at the side of the road with a fake police car behind us, lights flashing. At this stage I was dying to go to the loo but we were near a block of flats, lights were on, people looking out of the windows and I thought that if the Governor of Hong Kong was seen peeing by the side of his Daimler there could be trouble! I managed to hold on.
The last film I was in was after I had left Hong Kong in 1999 and returned to the UK. I was visiting Bombay in 2001 and my friend, Lance Dane, asked if I was interested in appearing in a Bollywood film called “Lagaan” which was set in about 1890. Would I not! Lance registered me and I was invited to meet the casting Director, Reena Dutta, wife of the major Bollywood star, Aamir Khan, who was appearing in the film and also producing it. I was interviewed at the Grosvenor Hotel in London and then offered the part of one of the umpires, who had a huge beard. “Would I like to grow a beard?” I wouldn’t so was measured for my own personal spade beard.
Filming took place in Bhuj in Gujarat and I was there for 5 weeks. The pay was US$50 per week but I had to pay to fly to India. Why would I do it for so little money? Well, I wasn’t doing anything else and if someone phoned home and said “Where’s Noel?” “Filming in the Rann of Kutch” sounded better than “I think he’s gone to Sainsbury’s”.
The hotel was awful and I thought the food was so bad that I refused to eat there and just had bananas and grapes in my room plus “Nimbu Pani”; lemon juice and fizzy water. We were collected around 6am by bus, picking up more actors on the way and also Aamir Khan who queued with the rest of us for the excellent Breakfast and lunch. He was really pleasant and an excellent Producer. They had built an entire village, a Hindu Temple and also two cricket pavilions. The plot was that there had been a drought and the villagers had no money to pay their tax. The wicked representative of the Raj, Captain Russell, challenged them to a cricket match. If they won, no tax (Lagaan means tax) but if they lost they would have to pay double. The villagers had no idea of cricket, but Captain Russell’s sister took pity on them and coached them. Naturally they won off the last ball of the match, the previous ball which had clean bowled Aamir Khan having been called “No ball” by the other umpire. Then it started to rain! In 3 scenes I had to speak Hindi, again without warning. I managed, having got a friend to go through the lines phonetically, and did the 3 scenes with one take! Having filmed often in the past, I knew there would be waiting so I bought 15 books to take with me, finishing them all and handing them out to other members of the cast as I finished them . “Noel, hurry up with your breakfast, You are wanted in the 1st scene” and then, after the scene, hours of waiting until the next . On the wall, the casting list said “Umpires and elephant” to make me appreciate my importance! We did get Sunday off and were invited to join the rest of the British Cast for the buffet lunch at their apartment block.
Now, I have a certain reputation. I was in Tehran when they took the US hostages, in Cairo when they shot President Sadat, on the India desk in London waiting to move to Bombay when they shot Mrs Gandhi, the day I arrived in Bombay they shot the British Deputy High Commissioner and later I was in Washington on 9/11. A year after I left the set, Bhuj was hit with an earthquake and the beautiful apartment block Aamir Khan stayed in collapsed. My awful hotel survived. The film had many crowd scenes, using local villagers who worshiped Mr Khan. After news of the earthquake, he send his Finance Manager to Bhuj to find out if any of his actors was in trouble and offering financial help. That was typical of the man. The British Pavilion, by the way, was magnificent and he had recruited the designer from “The Last Emperor” to create the costumes. Two Canadian make up girls came from Hollywood. The film was nominated for an Oscar in 2003 as best Foreign Language film but lost out to the Bosnian Film “No Man’s Film”. One criticism was that it was too long; most Indian films are. However, just about every Indian has seen it. If I mention to an Indian that I was the bearded umpire in Lagaan, immediately I am asked for a selfie!
And that was it. No more films. Just a few videos to promote Italian wine and they have dried up. Maybe being Secretary of the British Egyptian Society is more important than being a bit part player in a minor film. However, for a short time, I was on the big screen. When I played “Mole” in Toad of Toad Hall aged 15, the thought of doing that. never occurred. However, when you are in a market with limited availability of British Actors, even “Also starrings” can get called up.
Noel Rands
22.5.20
© Noel Rands 2022
